As I wrap up my college career in a way vastly different than I could have ever imagined, I find myself in perfect limbo. There is nothing in my life that is absolute right now, something I would have likely been much more okay with had I been spending this time getting drunk and stupid with my best friends. Instead, I am forced to marinate in the uncertain. Without distractions, celebrations, and even finals, there is nothing keeping my mind off of my unclear future.

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For someone like me, Type-A, slightly neurotic, and anxiety-prone, the indefinite nature of this Coronavirus global shutdown is crazy-making. As I sat in my bed last night, fighting back tears (let’s be honest, I wasn’t fighting them back, I was bawling), all I could think about is how much longer? How much longer will I catch up with friends over Facetime or from separate cars? How much longer will the reality of losing my last two months of what was supposed to be the best time of my life make my heart feel heavy? How much longer will I wake up bracing myself for a barrage of bad news? How much longer will it be socially acceptable for me to not wear a bra? How much longer will I feel uneasy about my life and my future? How much longer?

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I definitely don’t have the answers, and I don’t think anyone does. So, here I am, left sitting in my thoughts, giving my mind way too much power. In looking back at the previous essays, I am struck both by the normalcy of my tendency to plan and prepare and the reality that I probably take it a bit farther than the average person. Change and unpredictability are inevitable, and even more so in today’s world. So, as I continue to navigate through this madness, I will have to learn how to keep myself from spinning out at the first sign of change while also maintaining that being a planner is deeply ingrained into who I am, and it’s gotten me this far, so for now, I guess I’ll just see how things go.